Today I will be looking at two things about perverted narcissists that everyone should know. The second one is not one that is talked about much, so I wanted to address it. There is also a question I would like those who have experience in the matter to answer in the comments section below, so please be sure to read to the end to find out what it is. Comments are very helpful, not just to me, but to everyone else, I’m sure, so please share your experiences.
1. The Difficult to Expose.
The first of the two things I would like to talk about is that not only are covert narcissists difficult to detect, but they are also difficult to expose. I have seen articles out there that claim to provide signs of a covert narcissist. The initial impression given is that anyone can spot a covert narcissist if they only knew the signs. But when it comes down to it, these signs are for people who are in a relationship with the covert narcissist, and I don’t just mean romantically; it can be as a family member or friend as well.
Because what does “covert” mean? It means hidden, secret, not openly shown, concealed, etc. For the covert narcissist, it means only a very small percentage of people get to see behind the mask. The vast majority, including Georgiy, see their true nature as a secret. The fact of the matter is that covert narcissists are slippery, sneaky, and are already very difficult to pin down because of the very nature of their narcissism. They are also great pretenders, so they can feign empathy and other emotions quite well.
Only someone who is aware and in a relationship with one will be able to point out the red flags. If the person is not aware of narcissism and narcissists, they’ll just think this person is moody, complicated, confusing, and emotionally draining, but they will not realize the severity of the situation they are in and what it’s doing to their health and state of mind.
For the remaining public, all they see is what the covert narcissist wants them to see. When it comes to securing evidence of abuse to expose them, the person within the relationship will find it difficult to secure proof or explain to anyone that they are being mistreated. If the abuse remains insidious in nature—meaning manipulation, gaslighting, lying, silent treatments, infidelity, etc.—and that is a big “if,” because the abuse can change, but I will be touching on that in the next point. So stay with me!
But even if you caught the covert narcissist in a lie or something else they should not be doing, they are so good at excusing their behavior and also give the impression that it was a one-off event, which is outside of their character. This is also one of the prime times when they will probably act all vulnerable and cry their evil eyes out and play the victim, so that the focus is taken off what they did wrong and how upset they are. This is why it’s not worth trying to pin them down or trying to expose them to other people who will be too blind to see what you are on about and who in turn will probably turn around and label you as the toxic one.
2. Different Levels.
The second thing I think everyone should know about the covert narcissist is that they are not all the same, and this can go for all types of narcissists out there. Because at the end of the day, there are different levels of narcissism. Generalizations can be made about covert narcissists, like they are evil, emotionally immature cowards, but then the details may differ, with some being more extreme than others.
Let’s face it: some covert narcissists are closer to being malignant narcissists than others. I have heard some absolute horror stories that leave me shaken, but then there are others that don’t come close. Let’s look at it another way: we know there are many different types of thieves. There are the opportunists—ones who are in the right place at the right time and will take what does not belong to them. Then there are the professional thieves who go out of their way to plan a heist and can be very efficient. Then there are all the others in between; some are better at it than others, and some are a combination—like a car thief can also be an opportunist thief on the side.
They are at different levels, but they are still given the broad label of “thief.” Well, it’s the same with covert narcissists; some covert narcissists are more covert than others. Some can even be a mix of covert and overt. Some covert narcissists are more abusive than others; some keep their abuse on the insidious level that I spoke about earlier, while others, if they know they will get away with it, will become more direct with their abuse—and we are talking verbal and physical abuse.
Remember, narcissists love to push boundaries, and if they know they can get away with something, they will do it. So if this factor is in place, there is no limit, and their victims are probably too scared of them to take the necessary action to expose them or are actually codependent or enablers to their toxic behaviors.
I needed to address this because some people think that all covert narcissists are covert with their abuse, but there are those who take it up a notch. All abuse, be it covert or direct, is bad, but the misconception that covert narcissists only abuse covertly is not accurate.
I lived in a home with a covert narcissist dad and a mother who is a codependent, and my dad has been both physically and verbally abusive to her. The physical was not too often and has now stopped, but he is still verbally abusive at times, and he does it because he knows he’s going to get away with it. He knows my mother is not going to leave him.
I believe there are things that can cause a covert narcissist to be more overt in certain areas of their lives. One of the major culprits is their addictions, especially if it’s drugs or alcoholism. From my experience, when my father did get physical, it was when he came home drunk after a night out. There was a period in his life when he was an alcoholic.
We already know that covert narcissists come in all shapes and sizes and have various economic and academic backgrounds. So I guess we shouldn’t be surprised if some of them can be more stealth than others and also get away with more direct forms of abuse. But even though the abuse is no longer covert, it’s still not known, because the victims do not speak up.
To summarize, the two things I think everyone should know about covert narcissists are that not only are they difficult to detect, but they are also difficult to expose, and that all covert narcissists are not the same.
