I want to talk about some simple ways to evaluate whether narcissism and emotional abuse are present because I know you’re seeking information. This article discusses the three D’s of narcissism and emotional abuse.
1. The first D is defensiveness.
When you attempt to bring a concern to another individual about them and you’re met with resistance, you’re met with rationalization, justification, blame shifting— all manners of defensiveness. So, you can’t give them any specific feedback; you can’t bring any concerns to them that pertain to them. And heavens knows a relationship is built on openness, receptivity, and the ability to bring a concern to another individual about them. A relationship must have that.
So, to what degree in your relationship with this other person is there defensiveness? When you bring a concern to them, are they open, receptive? Do they listen? Do they seek more information? Are they gently curious? Because that’s what a healthy relationship does and has. It has gentle curiosity; it has receptivity. “Tell me more. I want to hear about this.” Oh, I may not really want to hear it because it’s concerning, it’s criticism. But I have to hear it; I understand that a relationship is built on giving and receiving information. That’s organic; that’s a growth relationship.
So, to what degree in your relationship is there the first D: defensiveness?
2. The second D is dismissiveness.
Oh my goodness, a hallmark of emotional abuse is invalidation or dismissiveness. The “I don’t want to hear this” attitude, the “Oh really? Well, I don’t know. I don’t think so. No, I don’t agree with you. No, I can’t receive. I can’t validate your concerns.” Again, what is relationship health? Relationship health is openness and receptivity, not defensiveness. The opposite of dismissiveness is validation. Oh my goodness, I can say, “Yes, what you think is understandable. The way you see the world makes sense. I want to learn more about how you see the world and what you think of the world.”
All right, so we’ve got defensiveness; we’ve got dismissiveness. And, by the way, a little bit of either of those qualities has an incredibly negative impact on the relationship.
3. Dominance.
So we’ve got defensiveness layered in with dismissiveness, layered in with dominance—just an obstinate, argumentative, overpowering nature by this other person. They’re just going to resist you. Everything, by the way, is going to be difficult.
I once had a woman who, in the middle of the marriage intensive, just started weeping. I said, “What’s wrong?” and she said, “Everything is so difficult. I’m exhausted. I want issues to be resolved quickly, efficiently, and effectively.” One more time, let me say that: issues should be resolved quickly, efficiently, and effectively, and if they’re not, something is really wrong.
Oh, the person may not present as bombastic; no one may know about this character trait. But you, if you’re in a relationship with someone who is narcissistic and emotionally abusive, are going to see they’re dominant on matters pertaining to something that’s important to them. They’re going to get their way.
All right, so again, this is a measure—one measure—of narcissism that I’ve seen again and again in my long history of counseling with narcissistic and emotionally abusive individuals. Defensiveness: such a brittle exterior—so brittle, so immature, so unwilling to be open and receptive, and receive critical feedback, and get on with the task of growing up and growing the relationship.
Defensiveness and second, dismissiveness. They’re dismissive—”Oh, be quiet!” That’s what they’re essentially saying. Be quiet! And, by the way, if you are dismissive, they will be quiet. And you better be careful for that day because when they are quiet, the relationship is deteriorating, and it will die. And the third D: dominance—just an impenetrability of an argumentative nature, an obstinate nature, immovable, intractable.
So, the three D’s of narcissism—can you see how these character traits all weave together? And can you see how they create toxicity in the relationship? If these three D’s are not uprooted and eliminated, the relationship is in a downward spiral, and it will die at some point in time.
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