Today, I will be looking at what the narcissist wants to hear from you. What is it that they want?
They want you to tell them more than anything else. I will share with you not only what they want to hear and why they want to hear it, but also the reasons why you shouldn’t actually tell them these things, if possible. You don’t want to miss any of it, so please stay with me until the end.
We all know that words have impact; words have life. They can make or break someone. Also, the way people interpret things that are said can vary from person to person. When it comes to the narcissists, a lot of what you say goes over their heads, as they don’t usually care to hear what others have to say. But there are three things that a narcissist is interested in, and these are the same things I would advise that you not tell, as in this case, what you say to them can come back and hurt you. Because what you tell them, they CAN use against you.
You will understand more by the end of this article, but I believe there are three main things that any narcissist would love to hear. However, these are three things that, even though the narcissist wants to hear, you really shouldn’t say.
1. “I love you.”
So, the first thing a narcissist wants to hear is, “I love you.” They want to know that you love them and care about them because then they know they’ve got you right where they want you. I know these are wonderful things that you can tell a normal person, but not to a narcissist.
“I love you, I miss you, I need you.” Not only does it feed their ego, but when you make these kinds of statements to a narcissist, what they are hearing is, “Use me, lie to me, cheat on me, abuse me.” You stating that they matter to you or that you care about them is, to them, a free pass for them to treat you as they wish. Loving them is not going to make them better or cause them to treat you better—quite the opposite.
Not saying “I love you” can be tricky for some people, and I’m thinking about those who still have a narcissistic parent, partner, or family member that they still have relations with, as these words may still be used. Because for you, you genuinely still do love them in spite of all the crap, all the lies, or the manipulation. Some people are still in a place where they still have feelings and care for a narcissist or whatever it is. But for people in that situation, I would advise using those words, “I love you,” sparingly and with caution.
Another instance is the love bombing phase of the relationship. You may have realized that the narcissist said these kinds of words very often—words like “I love you” and “I need you.” These are phrases that they may utter numerous times in one day during the love bombing phase, but this is part of the brainwashing process. Because usually when someone says “I love you,” you feel inclined to say it back. And when they are telling you this like 10 times a day, and you are saying it back to them as well, you end up brainwashing yourself into thinking that you are indeed so desperately in love with this person and that you need them as much as they need you.
But this would also be why the discard for some is so traumatic. You were active, entranced in the world of the narcissist on so many levels. Some people are able to break free from the trance before the discard; others, not so lucky— and then the discard ends up being a rude awakening that shatters their world. And that is why I say that “I love you” is one of the most dangerous words that you can ever say to a narcissist, because for them, it’s like you’ve just given them permission to use and abuse you.
Also, beware of the ex-narcissist partner who uses these words to try and lure you back in. Do not believe the lies; there is no second chance for a narcissist. The narcissist does not know what true love is. For them, it’s just about taking, taking, and taking until there is nothing left.
2. Your secrets.
The second thing that a narcissist would love to hear from you is your secrets. They want to know your deepest, darkest thoughts or secrets. They want to know things you’ve never told another living soul, but you should never confide in a narcissist.
Whether it’s your past hurts, weaknesses, or anything of sentimental value, do not share it with a narcissist. I know they are very good at getting information out of other people. I guess it’s because they can be so convincing; they can make you believe that they care and that they empathize with you. But they don’t. The narcissist is not your friend. No matter how charming and chummy they can be at times, they do not care about you.
The narcissist will take this information and use it against you, even if not right away. They will be waiting for the prime time to take what you’ve given them and throw it back in your face. Also, don’t think for a second that they will keep it to themselves. Even when they do not tell others explicitly what you’ve said, they will hint at stuff to leave a negative impression in other people’s minds about you.
The narcissist, no matter if it’s your sibling, parent, or pastor—no matter who that narcissist is—do not trust them with your secrets.
3. Your plans.
The third thing, and final thing, that a narcissist wants to hear from you is your plans. They want to know what you are up to, who you are seeing, etc., so that they can sabotage it if possible. Also, if possible, they want to stay ahead of you. Narcissists are very competitive and want to make sure that they are doing better than those around them. So, them knowing where you are at can help them decide what they need to do to stay ahead.
As I said before, they are not your friends, but on top of that, they are very envious or jealous of other people. So, whether it’s a person you are interested in, or you’re about to start a business, or start a course, build a house—whatever it is, do not share it with a narcissist. Although they may smile and wish you well, their heart is far from you. Their smile and words do not match what they are thinking inside, for they wish you to fail at whatever you set out to do.
The only time they may want someone else to succeed is if they can benefit from it. But even then, they despise the fact that the success came through someone else. Think about it: the amount of negative energy that they will be sending your way is something you can do without. The narcissist thinks success should only be theirs. They want everyone else to fail at whatever they set out to do so that they can feel better about themselves.
So, those are the three things that I think the narcissist wants to hear from you: “I LOVE YOU,” “YOUR SECRETS,” and “YOUR PLANS.” None of it is because they care or want to help; quite the opposite—they are looking to destroy you or sabotage your efforts. Keep what’s close and dearest to you from the narcissist. Set boundaries and do not ever trust a narcissist.
