Growing Up With a Narcissist

Today, I want to speak about what I’ve learned growing up with a narcissistic parent.

When it comes to narcissists, there are very different levels of narcissism, but also different levels of abuse that they inflict on their victims. For some, it’s physical and verbal abuse; for others, it’s emotional abuse or neglect. And for some, it’s all of the above. As a result, my experiences may differ from someone else’s, but I think we can agree that some parents are not deserving of the titles given to them of “Mom” or “Dad” because they do not fulfill the roles as they should. They fail not only their children but society.

This article is about having a narcissistic parent. I want to share what I have learned in hopes of helping someone else.

1. Never seek validation from a narcissistic parent.

The first thing that I’ve learned is to not seek validation from a narcissistic parent. The sooner this lesson is learned, the better it is for you. This is very important, as people can spend their whole lives trying to get the approval of a narcissistic parent. Nothing you do will ever be good enough or worthy of their genuine praise.

This is because children are like accessories to a narcissist. In the world of a narcissist, the children exist to either make them look good or for them to abuse and control. The narcissistic parent may provide the physical needs for the child, like food, shelter, and clothing, but there will be no emotional connection. Expect no hugs, kisses, or kind words. You might hear them speak highly of you to other people to show that their child is doing well, but they will not speak these words to you.

2. You cannot allow yourself to be vulnerable around them.

The second thing I have learned is that you cannot allow yourself to be vulnerable around them. If you confide in or pry to a narcissistic parent, you have just provided them with ammunition that they can use against you. They do not care about your hurt, pain, or disappointment. If anything, it actually makes them feel better about themselves when you are down. They will not be able to connect with you emotionally, so the whole thing will just be awkward and a waste of time. A narcissistic parent is best just left out when it comes to the details of your life.

3. Narcissists see their child as competition.

The third thing that I’ve learned is that narcissists see their child as competition. The narcissistic parent actually thinks that you exist to serve them and provide for them. When you grow up and leave home, they are only interested in you if you have something to give to them. If you happen to succeed in life and are doing better than they did, they actually will resent you for it. They are secretly jealous and envious of their own children for making a life for themselves without them. When this happens, a narcissistic parent will discredit you to family members and friends to make it appear as though you are an ungrateful, selfish child who does not care about their parents.

4. They will try to sabotage your happiness and success.

Lesson number four is that they will try to sabotage your happiness and success. If you have good friends, keep them away from your narcissistic parent. You can be sure that they will try to poison your friends’ minds against you. For example, I think I was a decent child growing up because I only concerned myself with school and church. If I wasn’t at school, I was at church. But my father realized I enjoyed going to church and being involved in the many activities. He realized I was happy outside of the home, so he got my mom to tell my pastor that I was not who I pretended to be and that I was a rude and disobedient child.

This, of course, was far from the truth, but I remember my pastor calling me aside after a church service to relay this back to me, and I just remember feeling so broken, so powerless, trying to defend myself against my mother’s remarks. It was clear after that that my pastor wasn’t sure what to think about me, but I can’t blame him. Who would expect a parent to be so malicious?

I also had a passion for dance, and my mother realized it and asked my father on numerous occasions to pay for some dance lessons for me, but he refused. It’s not because he couldn’t afford it, but because he knew that it would make me happy. But this leads me to the fifth and final lesson that I have learned, which is that a narcissistic parent is looking for you to fail and fall back to them.

I have not fallen into that trap, thankfully, but one of my brothers has. Oh, how my father gloats to whoever would listen that his son had to come to him for money or whatever else, because to the narcissistic parent, it gives the impression that their child cannot get by without them; that the child still needs their help. Of course, this help does not come without a price.

So, if you can take anything away from today’s article, let it be this: If you have a narcissistic parent, it is important to understand that their home will never be a safe haven. Once you’ve grown and left the nest, make up your mind to get by without them. Otherwise, you risk falling back into their web of abuse, manipulation, and lies. Honor them from a distance.

That’s all I have for today. Until next time, thanks again for reading.